Couples on third marriage say it's little things that make their relationships
By Rhonda J. Miller Staff Writer Posted
February 14 2005
This time around, it's the simple pleasures: sitting close, listening to music, shopping for groceries, walking the dog.
Many people lose hope after a failed marriage; even more lose faith after two. They swear they're done offering up their hearts. But some South Florida couples with the courage to give love another try say the third time truly is a charm.
"I can't begin to tell you how wonderful every single day is with this man," said Jacquie Padow of her third husband, Theo Klewansky. "He has a home office, we are together all the time, and it isn't enough for me."
Padow and Klewansky initially resisted their rabbi's suggestion they consider a new relationship after two previous marriages apiece. But Klewansky's velvet voice over the phone helped persuade Padow to try again.
Padow and Klewansky aren't the only ones reluctant to marry again and again and again. Only 1 percent of married couples in the United States are made up of both a husband and wife on their third, or higher, marriage, according to U.S. Census data released this month.
Yet, four years into their marriage, Padow, 61, a psychologist, and Klewansky, 66, an electrical engineer, sit close to each other on the sofa to watch Jeopardy! almost every evening in their home west of Boca Raton. They listen to music, read and walk their Pomeranian, Niki.
The joy in just being together in a third marriage neutralizes the tedium of "chores."
The little lessons of love were what Doug Warren gleaned from his two earlier marriages: Set your beloved's vitamin out every day, run the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, pick up those soggy towels. Most important, said Warren, 44, of Weston, shed your self-centeredness.
"It's little things you need to do that make a big difference," he said.
After surviving two marriages through the '90s, Warren thought he'd never make the leap again.
Then he met Mary Ann Ferraldo on a blind date about five years ago. They've been together ever since, and this spring Warren and Ferraldo, also 44 and from Weston, will quietly marry. It will be her first.
And she'll no doubt benefit from Warren's hard-won education in the school of love. His new approach is simple: "Appreciate her. We take too many things for granted."
Beth Krakower, a licensed clinical social worker and licensed marriage and family therapist in practice for 15 years in Boca Raton, has found some couples work harder, even at having fun, by the third marriage.
"The key is to relax expectations," Krakower said. "People aren't going to change. Accept your partner for who they are. One of the biggest reasons for dysfunction in relationships is that people don't laugh and have fun."
Fun is key for many three-timers, even when it's found in the mundane tasks of daily life.
Diann and Rick Knauss enjoy doing the dishes together. He vacuums a room while she dusts.
They met in a country western lounge in Hialeah 27 years ago, both bruised by two earlier relationships. He wanted trust this time.
"Diann is understanding, and I can tell her anything. She's my best friend," Knauss, 68, said.
For Diann, 55, this marriage is about communication and physical closeness.
When they moved to Boca Raton six months ago from Margate, they joined the West Boca Moose Lodge that meets in Deerfield Beach. At the lodge they have dinner and dance, play horseshoes and bingo and have joined a new darts team. They sit shoulder to shoulder and they laugh.
For Betti Adams, 50, and her husband, Eric, 47, who live west of Delray Beach, one of their regular couple outings is grocery shopping. It wasn't like that in their first two marriages.
"We've been married 13 years now, and I can honestly say the first two marriages served a purpose," Betti Adams said. "I went to counseling, and it came down to one line: Be more selective. We both learned to make better choices and finally got it right."
Physical attraction, caring and trust are elements that some couples say they finally found in a third marriage. From trial and error, they learned to choose these qualities.
"I knew John was the man for me when he took me in his arms and led me around the dance floor," says Pat Chaves, 66, of Boynton Beach.
Divorced twice before she met John Chaves, 74, an ex-Marine, she was stunned after they danced all night and he asked her if she was tired.
"He was the first man to ask how I was," Chaves said, and that consideration continues after 23 years of marriage.
Phylis Zinman, 68, and Skip Zinman, 72, both on their third marriages, aren't sure what makes their union work. Maybe it's the organ lessons they take together or the matching royal blue bicycles in the garage of their home west of Boynton Beach.
"We're still honeymooning after 13 years, and it's getting better. I don't know what it is. It's chemistry," Skip Zinman says. "For our children, I wish a marriage like ours. We are very lucky people."
Staff Writer Robert Nolin contributed to this report. Rhonda J. Miller can be reached at rjmiller@sun-sentinel.com or 561-243-6605.
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